Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Autocarrot sucks!
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
You deplete me
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I drew y’all a little something.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m literally crying
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*