Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Hmmmmm
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Spotted in New Orleans.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!