Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!