Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Found my door mat
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you