Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”