Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wednesday
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.