Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You Might Also Like
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”