Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
need him
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches