Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
no such thing as a dumb question
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
There’s only one good girl here!
Kids: Stay in school.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?