Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You Might Also Like
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.