Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch