Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

🐦

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

🤣dope

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t