Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Lmao
Cannot stop laughing at this
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.