Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total