Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.