Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
