DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call