Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Beware of fowl play.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend