DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Everyone’s family
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*