Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money