Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.