Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

As a doctor, I can confirm

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.