Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
You Might Also Like
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.