Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.