date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before