Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

You don’t even know

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?