DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
When ur friends with white people
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
sin harder.
