Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket