Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.