Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.