date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
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Me: Same
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
me irl
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here