Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What movie?” 🤔

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

🤣😂🤣

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Namaste

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.