Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face