Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

The news in a nutshell.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on