[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

You Might Also Like


“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”


Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.


Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome


Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers


“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵


Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.


[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”