@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

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@NickBossRoss

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@jdforshort

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers

@eleniZarro

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

@causticbob

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

@Rollinintheseat

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”