Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Bloody internet 😳

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.