Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

We know he can swim but…

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.