date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
me opening up to someone
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My birthstone is kidney
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.