Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

peep davidson

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

found a horse’s reddit account

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life