Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

We have a winner.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie