Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Me when my alarm goes off
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
jesus, what did this guy do
