Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up