Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

🤣😂🤣😂

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.