Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I have written yet another poem about laundry

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

excuse me

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist