Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

Uh oh…

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.