date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
You Might Also Like
Very good! 👍😂
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.