Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.