Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Just added something to my bucket list.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

My dad teaching me to drive

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?