date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
You Might Also Like
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down