date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.