Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.