Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”