DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach