Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

His flabber was gasted 😂

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad