Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.