Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

these two trucks have the same bed length

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.