Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.