Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute