Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Florida be like…

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!