Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
