date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Sounds like a bargain
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
