date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
BRAKING NEWS!!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Mouse
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
What
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”