Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce