Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.