Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

What my back needs

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?