DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary