Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Good boy 😂😂

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.