date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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I’m never leaving this app.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*