Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”