Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FXwdc4WagAEfr2F.mp4

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*