Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.