Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Mapping America’s Far Right
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee