DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal