Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
be safe out there!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler