Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.