Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

the rocks need my help

Breaking news:

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

I missed you with all my darts

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground