[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
🏙👨🏼
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for